żarty fonetyczne

za Karen Smith ze strony którą już cytowałam , ze strony http://linguistlist.org/issues/13/13-3353.html
wrzucam też poniższe żarty, bo.. po prostu nie mogę się powstrzymać.
pewnie wam się nie będzie chciało klikać na link, a tak to może ktoś się pośmieje zakładając że zna angielski.. chciałabym potłumaczyć ale takie żarty przestają niestety być żartami w tłumaczeniu..
i czemu ja dziś mam taki świetny humor skoro primo = nie wyspałam się
secundo = pracowałam długo i namiętnie z 0 czasu dla siebie – to pisanie bloga to mój czas dla siebie
tertio – jakaś niedopieszczona jestem bo wciąz tęsknię za Nim 🙂
ale – usłyszałam dziś panią X która podczas szkolenia z emisji głosu przypomniała mi to co już wcześniej gdzieś czytałam w mądrych książkach których tyle ostatnio czytam (hehe) — wystarczy unieść kąciki ust do góry, wydzielają się wtedy jakieś( jakie do diaska ?) hormony , i automatycznie po chwili zaczynamy się śmiać.. tak.. w chwili najgłębszej depresji – palce do ust, kąciki w górę i czekamy na atak śmiechu. to czynię. i pomagam sobie jeszcze żartami. i wam też radzę)

…….

The Bernard Shaw's Ghoti example and a variation of it

GHOTI
- ----
In line with this week's critique of English pronunciation, dare I
bring up George Bernard Shaw's plea for spelling reform with the word
'GHOTI"

GH as in "rough"
O as in "women"
TI as in "nation"

GHOTI = "fish"

After your AWAD series on pronunciation, several people mentioned
Shaw's lament about GHOTI = FISH. It's actually worse than
that. Consider:

GH as in "night"
O as in "people"
T as in "bouquet"
I as in "piece"

....and GHOTI = ""

Twain complaining about irregularities

Classic version English Spelling by Mark Twain For example, in Year 1
that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k"
or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet.

The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch"
formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w"
spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant,
wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4
might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.

Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with
iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so
modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai
iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant
letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould
doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.

Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a
lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.


Spelling jokes

Joke EuroEnglish

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German,
which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a five year phase in plan that would be
known as "EuroEnglish". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft
"c". sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump for joy. The
hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up
konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing
publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will
be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20%
shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters,
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre
that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the languag is disgraseful,
and they should go away.

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th
" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan
be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be
aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz year, ve vil hav
a realy sensiblriten styl. zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and
evrivun vil find it ezi to understand each ozer.


ZE DREAM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

A. Spelling 'Jokes' etc

If GH stands for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau
The right way to spell POTATO should be GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU!

B. Outfoxing the Spelling Checker

They're know miss steaks in this newsletter cause we used special soft
wear witch checks yore spelling. It is mower or lass a weigh too
verify. How ever is can knot correct arrows inn punctuation ore
usage:an it will not fined words witch are miss used butt spelled
rite. Four example; a paragraph could have mini flaws but wood bee
past by the spell checker. And it wont catch the sentence fragment
which you. Their fore, the massage is that proofreading is knot
eliminated, it is still berry muck reek wired. ['Interface' (vol. 20,
no7) published by the University of California, Santa Cruz, Computer
Center. ]

C. Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"

If an S and an I and an O and a U
With an X at the end spell Su;
And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
Pray what is a speller to do?
Then, if also an S and an I and a G
And an HED spell side,
There's nothing much left for a speller to do
But to go commit siouxeyesighed.

Other language play, semantics:

CRAZY ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries
in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why
isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2
meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that
you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have
a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do
you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter,
perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a
play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have
noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on
parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites,
while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be
hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met
a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into
someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where
are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY
hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at
all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when
the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my
watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.


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